‘Scariest, Darkest space, very lonely’

Manisha Koirala was diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer in 2012. The actor had travelled to New York for treatment at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, where she underwent surgery and chemotherapy. She completed her final chemotherapy session in April 2013 and was subsequently declared cancer-free. But in a recent interview, Koirala has opened up on her journey and what she went through when she found out about having Cancer.She revisited the moment she first learnt about her diagnosis at Nepal’s Norvic International Hospital. She recalled how the night that followed became one of the most difficult experiences of her life, as she confronted the possibility of death.“I was in the hospital and I was told I had cancer. That night, for me, was the loneliest and longest night. It just felt like a dark space. I felt I was going to die. In that moment, it is the scariest, darkest space — very, very lonely,” Koirala recalled in an interview with Sushant Pradhan.The actor said her battle with cancer gave her a deeper understanding of the isolation patients can experience while going through a serious illness. She also noted that loneliness does not necessarily disappear simply because one is surrounded by people.“Many times, I have felt loneliness. I realised when I had cancer how lonely a patient feels. It was the most horrible and terrible time one could feel. There are times when you feel lonely; it is a fact of life. There are times when you are okay with it,” she said.Koirala further reflected on how loneliness can persist even in social settings. “Life is a mixture of so many layers, so many different dimensions. Even in a crowd, you sometimes feel lonely, like you don’t belong. When I go to some Bollywood parties, I try to mingle around, but it doesn’t happen. You still want to be there, but you feel lonely. It is a part of the world where you feel lonely,” she added.Her experience with cancer also prompted Koirala to reconsider her priorities and separate what truly mattered from what she considered unnecessary.“I got a second chance at life, so whatever was non-essential, I kept it all aside. Non-essential is actually when the base of your being is not aligned with your values,” she said.The actor explained that she now prefers a smaller and more meaningful circle, with family occupying a central place in her life. “I want my family to be a close-knit family. What I didn’t want was a crowd. I used to have an entourage of friends and all,” she said.Koirala also acknowledged that she had not always given her health the attention it deserved. “I didn’t care a damn about my health. If I got a second chance at life, I would prioritise it,” she said.Since her recovery, she said, her outlook has shifted towards maintaining her health, nurturing relationships, spending time in nature and appreciating life. “So basically, I have four or five baskets. I want to have a few good, close friends. I want to have time for nature. I want to enjoy life, inhale life and be grateful that I am alive,” she said.Koirala also looked back at the relentless pace at which she worked during the peak of her career. She recalled juggling several projects simultaneously and eventually feeling burnt out by the profession.“At one time, I was working on three or four films a day, 18 hours a day, non-stop. No Sundays, no Saturdays, nothing, for years and years. I had reached a stage in my career where I was tired and bored of my work,” she said.The exhaustion, she admitted, began influencing her professional choices. “I had reached a stage where I was tired of working. Then I started taking wrong decisions in terms of cinema. I felt I disregarded the love I got from my fans across the world,” she said.Her cancer diagnosis, however, made her view her relationship with her audience and profession differently. She recalled receiving an overwhelming number of messages and prayers from fans after news of her illness became public.“When I got cancer, so many messages came to me wishing me and praying for me. I realised my work is essential because all those messages and that goodwill came because of my work,” she said.That realisation also made Koirala more conscious of the responsibility she carries as an actor. She said she wanted to be more discerning about the projects she took on.“So it was important for me to work well and give good-quality work, for myself and for the people who love my work,” she said.Koirala made her Hindi film debut with Subhash Ghai’s ‘Saudagar’ in 1991 and went on to establish herself as one of the most respected actors of her generation. Her filmography includes acclaimed performances in ‘1942: A Love Story’, ‘Akele Hum Akele Tum’, ‘Khamoshi: The Musical’, ‘Bombay’, ‘Agni Sakshi’, ‘Gupt’, ‘Dil Se..’, ‘Mann’, ‘Lajja’, ‘Company’ and ‘Escape from Taliban’.