Do jism, ek jaan? No thanks: How Gamophobia is changing the language of love | India News

In a world where relationships have become both more visible and more complex, a curious psychological phenomenon has been quietly gaining attention — gamophobia, the fear of commitment or marriage.It is more than just the occasional cold feet, jitters before a proposal or hesitation about settling down. Gamophobia is a deeply rooted, lived experience that can colour every connection, shape life choices, and define what love looks like for many individuals. Increasingly, mental health professionals, writers and even everyday couples are referring to this concept not just as a quirky term, but as a genuine emotional resistance.Ankur Halder, 27-year-old IT professional, put it perfectly- Like Abhay Deol says in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, “mujhe do jism ek jaan nahi chahiye.” The word “gamophobia” itself comes from the Greek gamos (marriage) and phobia (fear). At its core, it speaks about the fear of marrying or entering into long-term intimate commitment. Yet, in practice, it is far more nuanced. People who struggle with gamophobia are not necessarily afraid of love or companionship. Instead, they fear the permanence, vulnerability, expectations, and potential loss of autonomy that life-long attachment can entail.But why is this fear becoming more visible now? Why are more people open to calling themselves “afraid of commitment”? Is this simply a symptom of a generation spoiled for choice, or is it rooted in deeper psychological and social shifts? And importantly — what does this look like in a place like India, where marriage still carries cultural gravity unlike many parts of the world?To explore these questions, we must go beyond the label and into the lived realities that make gamophobia resonate in the twenty-first century.

The many faces of gamophobia

Gamophobia is not a clinical diagnosis in major psychiatric manuals like the DSM-V; it is a loosely defined term used in psychological, cultural and pop-psychology circles. Yet, its emergence reflects real emotional and relational patterns that therapists see every day.For some, it manifests as anxiety or panic when conversations about the future get serious. For others, it shows up as chronic relationship sabotage — starting strong, pulling away, or falling into self-fulfilling breakups before things get too real. Some experience sleeplessness, avoidance, or physical symptoms at the thought of tying their life to another.Importantly, gamophobia is not just about fear of marriage. It can express as:

For a growing number of young Indians, this fear is not abstract. It surfaces at a very specific moment — when romance begins to gather weight.

In this country, relationships rarely remain suspended in emotional possibility. They are expected to culminate. They must formalise. They must move toward marriage.And it is often at this threshold that something shifts.

Aarav, 32, who works at an MNC in Mumbai said over the past decade, he has been in three serious relationships. Each followed a similar rhythm: an intense beginning, emotional intimacy, shared vacations. For months, sometimes years, everything felt certain.Then came the conversations about meeting parents. About timelines. About “where this is heading,” and began to withdraw.“I don’t know what happens,” he says. “It’s like something switches off. I start imagining all the ways it could go wrong. What if I lose my freedom? What if I’m not ready? What if I choose wrong and can’t undo it?”Gamophobia often unfolds in exactly this way. Individuals form romantic bonds with ease. They are affectionate, attentive, emotionally engaged. But when a relationship approaches formal commitment — engagement, marriage, shared finances — anxiety spikes. The future stops feeling romantic and starts feeling irreversible.

Not equal to inability to love

One of the most persistent myths about gamophobia is that it signals emotional immaturity or incapacity for deep feeling. This assumption could not be further from the truth.People who struggle with commitment anxiety often love intensely. They may be attentive partners, emotionally available in the present, and genuinely invested in their relationships. The difficulty does not lie in affection. It lies in anticipation.For some, the fear is rooted in childhood experiences. For others, it stems from witnessing marital dissatisfaction. And for many in contemporary India, it arises from the weight of making the “right” decision in a world that offers both endless choice and irreversible consequences.In that sense, gamophobia is less about rejecting love and more about fearing a mistake that cannot be undone.A 29-year-old woman (choosing to stay anonymous) grew up watching her parents argue behind closed doors while maintaining a composed public image. Divorce was never discussed. Silence was easier than separation.“When people talk about marriage,” she says, “I don’t picture romance. I picture staying even when you’re unhappy.”Children absorb more than they realise. When marriage is modeled as endurance rather than companionship, commitment can subconsciously begin to resemble confinement.

Why fear of commitment might be growing

A culture of choice and comparison

We live in an age where options, especially romantic ones, feel infinite. Dating apps, social media, global mobility, and curated images of “the perfect relationship” create an illusion of endless possibility. When one believes that the next swipe might be better, committing to one person can paradoxically feel limiting rather than reassuring.This reflects deeper cognitive patterns of comparison, fear of missing out, and choice overload. Instead of narrowing options feeling comforting, it can trigger anxiety about losing potential alternatives forever.

Individual identity over collectivism

In recent decades, individualism has become central to people’s sense of self. Career goals, personal growth, and self-discovery are prioritized more than ever. While this is empowering, it also changes how relationships are viewed. Commitment starts to feel like a trade-off — balancing autonomy with attachment. Ankur Halder said, “I believe a healthy relationship should consist of two independent individuals choosing to be together. Relationships today have evolved, unlike older generations like say my grandparents, where partners were often overly dependent on each other. I appreciate that relationships now allow more individuality.”

Witnessing relationship breakdowns

We grow up surrounded by stories of failed marriages, divorces, and high-profile celebrity breakups. Seeing relationships fall apart shapes our ideas about commitment — making it feel risky rather than romantic.

Trauma and attachment styles

How we bond emotionally is influenced by early life experiences. People with avoidant attachment often fear losing independence in close relationships. Those with anxious attachment may fear being abandoned, even in healthy partnerships. Someone whose early friendships ended abruptly may struggle to fully commit to a partner, worrying that closeness will lead to inevitable loss.

Changing gender roles and expectations

Traditional roles, like men as sole breadwinners and women as primary caregivers, have changed, but old expectations don’t disappear overnight. Women don’t want to be bound by household duties, and years of social conditioning have made many feel that, at some point, they’ll have to sacrifice their dreams to fulfill the expectations of a relationship. People everywhere often find themselves balancing new possibilities with inherited norms, creating tension in romantic relationships as they navigate who does what, how decisions are made, and what each partner “should” contribute.

Gamophobia in India: Between tradition and modernity

In India, marriage has long been treated as a central life milestone- expected, celebrated, and often orchestrated by family. Urbanisation, increased female workforce participation, and exposure to global culture have changed how young Indians think about partnership. Emotional compatibility and personal growth matter more than ever before.At the same time, entrenched expectations persist:

In this environment, gamophobia can take on unique contours. For some, it becomes resistance against pressure, a boundary against societal coercion. For others, it reflects genuine uncertainty about whether traditional marital structures align with their evolving identities.Adding another layer of complexity, leaving a partner in India is often socially difficult. Relationships are not just between two individuals — they are entwined with family expectations, social judgment, and, in many cases, children. In India, many hesitate to end relationships even when they feel unfulfilled, fearing the stigma of separation or the impact on their children. This has created a common misconception: staying despite unhappiness is often interpreted as commitment or proof of love, when it may instead reflect social pressure and obligations.

Intergenerational values also play a role. Many Indian families prize endurance and sacrifice in relationships. While admirable, these ideals can unintentionally silence emotional needs. Young adults may find themselves torn between honoring tradition and honoring their own readiness.Mental health awareness in India is still developing. Anxiety around commitment may be dismissed as stubbornness or irresponsibility rather than understood as emotional complexity. Without language for their fears, many individuals internalise guilt instead of seeking support.

Not all fear is pathology

It is crucial to recognise that gamophobia is not always dysfunction. Fear can be protective, especially after painful or unstable relationships. It may signal the need for clarity, healing, or stronger identity formation.In a society that often equates marriage with success, choosing to pause or question is not necessarily avoidance. It may be discernment.Challenging conventional marriage norms, Ankur said, “I have a somewhat sceptical view of marriage. While I understand that it works well for many people, most marriages I’ve observed seem complicated and full of ongoing issues. That has made me question whether the institution itself is necessary, or whether commitment can exist in other forms.”Gamophobia is a mirror. It reflects personal insecurities and broader cultural change. It reminds us that commitment is not merely a social contract, but an emotional decision shaped by history, identity, and context.In India and beyond, the increasing visibility of commitment anxiety does not mean a generation is incapable of love. It suggests that people are thinking more deeply about what love demands.And perhaps, in asking those difficult questions, we are not drifting away from commitment but are learning to approach it with greater awareness.Love, after all, is not weakened by reflection.It is strengthened by choice.